I was around 38 when I experienced a profound shift in my ability to allow someone so close to me so that everything I looked at changed. I’d been invited into intimate communion at a time of great personal growth in my life. I had 2 options: allow it or not. I chose to allow it. What ensued was an awakening so profound to my core nature that I could not return to my former ignorance.
As I allowed this communion to unfold, pain threatened to engulf me. The pain of feeling completely worthless, inadequate and insufficient on my own: Of feeling not good enough, child like and emotionally dependent, scared and full of self doubt, was almost overwhelming. The desire to play games to stay safe, to hide out, felt irresistible even though the same games served only to separate me from myself and my joy.
At the same time, these terrifying feelings were counterbalanced with the most amazing feelings of connection, communion and love and yet there was simply not enough of these to really compensate for my sense of desperation. And when I saw the source of these wonderful feelings to be outside of myself in a.n.other, I felt I was completely out of control as to how to ensure their continued supply. I was in a world of hunger where no amount of love offered to me was enough to still my inner turmoil.
I was pulled in opposite directions with two clear choices. To move towards the pain or away from it. Away meant putting all of my defences back in place, towards it meant, well, hell, what on earth did it mean? I’d never gone towards the pain before. It was scarey. What if it consumed me and I ended up wrecked, abandoned, destroyed?
Each day I chanted and reflected on who I was. Each day I learned how to surrender again, questioning deeply all those fears and anxieties that had surfaced from the depths of my life, so I could at last see them. Each fear or belief that said I was worthless came up for cross examination. And as I chanted I questioned and reflected and grew to know that those fears were powerless in the light that shone from my true core, the place where the unchanging constancy of my core self resided.
As I developed I surrendered again and again to the invitation into intimate communion, and each time, it brought up deep layers of pain, fears and contracts I’d made with myself since young. All of them were just rules I thought I needed to keep me safe from the pain of experiences and losses from former times. As I committed to letting them go, my capacity to connect with people, all types of people, grew profoundly. Suddenly I could see them and their games, just like I used to play. And all of them were made up of imagined rules to keep that damaged idea of self insulated from being known or seen. Knowing myself so deeply gave me, almost literally, x ray vision into the lives of other people. Not only did I experience rule-free intimacy with my lover, but everything I looked at felt different.
My heart literally awoke to its own specialness. I realised that my love had to start with my love of me. If I didn’t do that, I would never know how anyone else could love me for me.
Today I want to share with you some of the insights that have grown in me from that time to where I stand today on the benefits of losing your fears of intimacy.
1. Profound insight into others struggle with themselves
Going beyond the ego and seeing your own beautiful, true self enables you to see the true self of others. It even insures you against the games people might play with you. Imagine. You can see the game that they’re playing just like you used to play. It’s not personal. It’s not about you. It’s about their need to stay safe and protected. In doing it, they may kick out, they may manipulate, anything but show their belly…..just in case, they fear, you’re another person who will kick them there.
2. Lack of judgement of other people
Once you have felt and understood your own blocks to intimacy and have transcended them, you realise that other people are just grappling with the same stuff you did. In my experience, there is a sense of compassion, but also a desire to help them see their own inner worth and beauty just like you’ve had the opportunity to see.
3. An inner calm that everything is as it should be
For me has developed a sense of faith in life. That life is unfolding just as it should. That my role in that unfolding is for me to do my personal work. That is my biggest duty. It is from my place of inner calm and acceptance that I can lead others to theirs. I do not have to try hard nor stress about it. I just have to be my true self, speak my truth quietly and live my life authentically.
4. A sense of adventure
When you have seen your true self and are learning to love it, the rules that everyone else seems to fear and observe become meaningless to you. Because you can make your own rules if you want. Nothing that society tells you is absolute, is absolute. You can decide how you really want to live your life. So for me a sense of adventure has developed as I have challenged myself and what I thought I had to do and opted for an unusual way of being in the world. I don’t have to impose that on others but many are irresistibly drawn to be with me in my free world so that they can experience a bit of their own freedom too.
5. A sense of self preservation
Love of core self naturally endows you with the desire to care for and nurture yourself. No one knows how to do that as well as you. Looking after yourself is not exclusive or selfish even if it incurs putting some boundaries in place for others to observe. If you are not well and happy, you have nothing to share with anyone.
6. Can express love without needing people to love me
The freedom to express my love for someone whether or not they return the sentiment comes from a deep place of self love. If I felt I would be depleted of love by telling someone else how I felt, I would not tell them. But I know I cannot be depleted of that source. It is within me. I lose nothing by sharing it with someone else. If anything, it multiplies. This is a freedom that I could now never imagine being without.
7. Acceptance of the highs and lows of life
Loving the self and losing your fear of intimacy is not an insurance policy against all pain. The difference is that from this place, the pain is processed, used, digested and let go of. You will no longer need to store pain in this place once you have metabolised it. That means you are free to open your heart as often as you like having learned more about yourself each time you have done so. There will always be highs and lows in life. All it means is that you are alive and are still learning from them.
8. Be a model for others
Without even knowing how or why, when you have lost your fear of intimacy and are operating in your authentic now, you become a model for other people. Especially for those looking for inner peace and self acceptance. There emanates something from your being that attracts those to you who are on their own path. As a therapist this is an amazing gift as you attract client after client who is resonating with where you are and are often ready to shift into their highest selves too. But even in general your staying present and awake, having left behind all the learned rules that insured you against intimacy, will shine like a beacon and people will want to know you.
9. Love your journey
I have learned to love the journey I am on. All the highs and lows. I have had a colourful life with lots of high energy events and I am so respectful of the lessons that life has taught me. I love being in this world of awakeness and authenticity where intimacy is possible with everyone I meet: where others feel they know me even though we’ve never met before: where others feel so accepted and validated just by being with me and yet I am doing nothing! Not a thing to invite that in. It’s just in a person’s energy. It’s about you having lost the fear of intimacy and finding intimate connection with everyone you meet.
10. Love others
Loving others does not exhaust you. The source of that love is unlimited because it comes from your very being. You could even say it comes through you as the expression of life through you. Many people think I’m psychic or at least highly intuitive. But I’m not. I’ve just learned to love me from a deeper place and from that place I can know and love who I am at my core too. And I can see your core too. These 2 are not actions, loving and knowing. They are states of being. By being in these states, I invite you to join me.
11. Belief in the good in others
Many people are bitter and disillusioned with the behaviour of others. But that is because they have no faith in themselves and no love of themselves. Their fears of intimacy have walled them in and they can no longer reach out to anyone. When you have seen the good in yourself, you will see it in others. If all you see is bad in yourself, you will see that in others. We see the world not as it is, but as we are. “There are not two lands pure and impure in themselves. The difference lies solely in the good or evil of our minds.” (The oneness of self and environment – Nichiren Buddhism)
12. Hope for a better world
Despite all the killing, war and destruction, poisoning of our environments, corruption of our governments and corporations, I believe our awakening to our true selves and our loss of the fear of intimacy is our most valuable contribution to the human revolution we need to engender to transform our planet. For every person I have helped release from their fears of intimacy, they will help others do the same. This wave of awakening is unstoppable. It is the biggest threat to established world systems, and the greatest harbinger of peace in the world today. We need you.
What I did to start this journey to be free of the fears of intimacy was to confront some of my most profound and unconscious fears. If you would like help confronting your unconscious fears, join me on a clear the fear workshop where you have the opportunity to get to know yourself and to dispel some of yours.