How to free yourself from the fear of intimacy

There’s one major fear I’ll be focussing on for the next few months and that is the fear of intimacy. It is such an important fear to address because it affects the quality of all of our relationships and what we learn about being IN relationship with other people. Have you already made an unconscious decision that it’s not safe to get too close to anyone? And worse, I wonder if you are even aware you’ve made that decision?

love me without fearThe problem with this unconscious process is that it manifests in all of your conscious decisions about life. The partners you choose in life, the businesses you run, the family relationships you have, the friendships that you attract. All of them are touched by your unconscious programming that you decided some time ago, when you were feeling vulnerable, was a useful and essential survival skill.

Now before I go any further with unravelling how our fear of intimacy creates some very self defeating emotional and behavioural patterns I think I probably need to explore with you what I mean, at the very least, by intimacy. Often, people whisper the word ‘intimacy’ like somehow it’s synonymous with sex. It’s a bit like trying to explain to people that tantra isn’t a lewd or immoral sexual activity. More on that another time!

Intimacy for me is about allowing people in to a sacred space in my own psyche that is very valuable to me. I make this invitation into my sacred psyche because I want to share the treasures of my very core with someone. It may have absolutely nothing to do with sex or with the opposite sex. Every time I coach and mentor my colleagues, run a Clear the Fear Workshop or host a mentorship circle, I am inviting people into my own sacred space.

Intimacy allows me to really hear another person. It allows me to really sense who they are. It allows me to feel free to speak my truth, quietly, and without judgement. It allows me to feIntimacy not physicalel connected with the special souls that are brave enough to meet me in my intimate space. It triumphs unconditional acceptance of others and their place in life. And it is possible because of one very important thing. And that thing is self love.

The reason you protect yourself from intimacy and intimate communion is because you fear you are unlovable. You fear you are unlovable because you cannot fully cherish, love and forgive yourself. You labour under ideas that who you are, is simply not good enough. And then you spend a lifetime trying to prove to people that you are good enough, strong enough, noble enough…even though deep down inside you feel secretly inadequate. The problem is though that you are a social being. You are interdependent with others for your nurture needs, and often your practical needs and because of that you are wired to seek intimate communion. But if you’ve an unconscious message inside that says it’s dangerous, what do you do?

This is when you start striking up contracts with yourself: contracts that say for example, you’ll allow so much communion or intimacy on condition that the other person is this way, or that way. And that other person can never measure up because they don’t know what kind of silent contracts you’ve made with yourself. And they always let you down. And that confirms yet again, you’re probably not lovable.  The result? Instead of examine that unconscious belief, you push that other person away so they can no longer remind you that you really don’t love or even like you.

security is in love of selfYou believe that people ‘do’ these things to you and, it seems, only you. But because you fear that is a possibility that could be frighteningly true, it’s easier to generalise to the whole populace and say to yourself that’s how people are. The world is nasty, brutish and short (Courtesy of Thomas Hobbes), and you have to protect yourself against the treachery of allowing too much intimacy.  So you see how the need to connect and have Intimacy is simultaneously riddled with fear. It gets in the way of your true expression. It sabotages even the most beautiful of connections with others. It’s time you took a long hard look at it.

The ability to develop a nurturing intimacy with ourselves and therefore others is so core to us as social beings that we really could do with discovering the joy and wonder of being alive to it before we actually die! And of course, I can help you do this on my Clear the Fear workshops throughout 2015 starting on 25th January. So in my next few posts I’ll be examining the parameters of intimacy, how you navigate it, how you live it, how you allow the pain of life lessons in intimacy to pass, how you develop your internal relationship with yourself, how you share your most beautiful treasures, without fear with others, how you choose people to share with, and, how you can be more honest and authentic with your real needs and wants, how sexual intimacy takes your intimate communion into a new area of discovery for yourself and your chosen partners, and how you will attract others to you who really validate that new feeling of self love and appreciation.

So just a little it of exploring to do in my next few posts! Here’s wishing you a happy intimate and festive season!