I’ve been in a conflicted place for a number of years around money. I’ve still not fully reconciled the two extremes that nestle up against each other in my psyche. I’m torn between opting out of the money system and its tyranny and enslavement or actually using money to create everything I want to achieve, at work and personally, in my lifetime. And those two polar opposites sit uncomfortably side by side – each finding their own scorn and disdain for the opposite.
Even just yesterday, I clicked onto a video on facebook in which a guy was talking about an internet business he’d had for 5 years and already he’s into 6 figures. It was all very desirable and aspirable as we watched him on a boat in some tropical environment telling us how he was enjoying the highlife, barely working, and still having a wonderful life. We were meant to want what he had.
On the opposite side of that experience, I interviewed Daniel Mackler, urban film maker and anti-psychiatry agitant, who at the time I interviewed him was of no fixed abode, and whose interest was more about spreading his brand of inspired individualism than in making money. He confessed to having next to nothing but despite this, was travelling the world with his work, attending international conferences, selling videos to poorer nations at cost just to get the word out and making a bit more by selling them to more wealthy individuals around the world. I was inspired by his free spirit and his lack of attachment to the dollar/pound. But it was a precarious way of existing at best.
If you follow me on facebook you’ll know that most of what I post up is about honouring the feminine, working in harmony with the land, technological innovation to preserve our environment, cherishing and embracing our human-ness, natural ways of healing the body, clearing our fear and raising our vibrational frequency and practising a natural spirituality so I guess, you could be forgiven for calling me a new age hippie. Well, ‘whatever’ – as the petulant say. I’m unharmed by whichever name is given to my particular style. In the words of, Gloria Gaynor, I just am what I am. Amazing lyrics by the way.
So I was sat at a Buddhist meeting just yesterday morning, chanting with my friends and reflecting on my fears about getting to Australia where I will be delivering my talk for the AHA and running my clear the fear workshops. And somehow, without really understanding all the connections my meditative mind was making it dawned on me that my fear around going was to do with spending time and money and not having anything to show for the experience.
I recognised this mentality as it presented itself to me very quickly. It’s one that I’ve been working on for a year or two as I grapple with freeing up my squirrelling mentality with money and ‘stuff’ so that I allow more flow to work through my life. Flow. Now that was worth reflecting on. Flow is what I want to achieve and to be sure, there has been some amazing synchronicity working since I committed to my Aussie trip. I’ve been sooo supported and inspired by so many people. It’s been a very humbling experience.
And then, as the discussion at my Buddhist meeting unfolded, I realised that instead of me having specific money goals which I was ‘meant’ to have I could even free up the way I ask for what I need in my Buddhist prayer or to the universe and in so doing just honour the idea of flow, magic, or synchronicity – whichever term works best for you. I can still have loose goals but I no longer have to focus on their specific achievement.
So my newfound prayer is simply to have enough money to enjoy my home, my family and my health so that I can spread my work to those who really need it and make a difference. If that means I’ll be hired to do intensive one day one to ones, or that my workshops fill up full to brimming, or that I get a batch of hourly clients through, or that the book (From Schizophrenic to Transpersonal Therapist – in progress) brings in loads of sales, then so be it. I’ll run with all of that. The secret though I know is to keep open, keep processing, and keep a sense of wonder about the world, its people and the wonderful things we can create together. And maybe then, I can play my small part in this global movement of awakening to our real power as we create the world we want to live in.
Just enough to do everything I want.by