Why fear of intimacy is akin to fear of loss

The fear of loss often stops even the first steps into intimate communion with a.n.other.  When your inner world is vulnerable and you are dependent on external validation for your wellbeing, surrendering to intimate communion threatens to upset that carefully contracted deal you made with yourself all those years ago.

That deal probably said something like: I’ll only allow you into my sacred space on condition that you……anyone of an infinite number of possibilities emanates from this perspective.  For example, on condition that you like my hobbies, that you can tolerate my quirks, that you put my kids first, that you have a nice shapely body, that you have a six pack, that you won’t dump your emotional stuff on me, that you will accept me for all that I am, that you don’t like football, or want to force me to visit your parents….as you can see, the list could be endless.

Because to enter into intimate communion with someone else has come to mean in our externally referenced world, that I give up a part of me to be in relation with you. I step outside of myself to try and fit in to an idea YOU have of ME. And when I do that, I lose a part of me. Immediately.  So is it any wonder you have a fear of loss the moment you contemplate intimacy with someone else?

salvation in others loveYou gift wrap the bits of your psyche you want others to see so that they don’t have to know your deeper or true self. As you hold back, you hide the parts that you think are unlovable.  And becoming only what you feel is acceptable to your partner in life, you unconsciously edit your offer to them.  This understanding of intimacy is so endemic nowadays that everyone you meet is bought into this unconscious contract. Few know how to question it and even fewer know what to do about it.

So what is the antidote to this?

So if that’s the case, how do you develop yourself to be able to enjoy deep intimate relationships with others. In my opinion, the antidote comes from developing an intimate communion with yourself first.  This is  bandied around so much on the internet and sometimes it’s so hard to understand what that actually means! So let me see if I can contribute to this pool of esoteric knowledge that is so hard to grasp.

Love thyself

I want you to imagine that the person you are deeply in love with is you. I want you to look in the mirror, and look into your very person, your core. This may challenge you profoundly but bear with me. I want you to see all your flaws, your failings, your successes, and your achievements and, as though you were the vulnerable child that just needs reassurance, reassure yourself that you were really just doing your best at everything you tried. Even when you felt vindictive and nasty about someone else, you were doing it because you felt vulnerable and scared. Scared of loss, afraid of being seen, fearful of seeing that you really didn’t like yourself very much. Afraid that all those names people used to call, and the way they treated you, was caused by you.  And if that were true then you must just be a horrible person.

love yoursef firstAs you look into your eyes, feel the sadness for what you’ve carried around with you all those years, isolated and fearful that someone might find out the truth about your tarnished soul. You might even feel like crying. I did. When I realised what I’d been doing to myself, I spent weeks spontaneously bursting into tears. And more than once in my life have I been through this process. It’s a release and a relief. And on the back of it comes a determination to really cherish yourself first. Love yourself like no other can. Decide what is good for you and not good for you. Surround yourself with souls that nourish you, eat foods that make you well, listen to beautiful music and dance and sing for the sheer love and joy of it. Clear out tired old things that bring you down – literally junk in your house, an untidy bookshelf, a basket of old clothes. And determine to give yourself a daily mental and emotional hug.

Make this a regular practice for a while. Learn to fall in love with yourself. Learn to cherish all that you are. And when you feel emotional pain, comfort yourself that it will pass. Reassure yourself that you are loveable regardless.  I describe an inner journey. No one can walk this path for you. No one can develop that relationship with yourself on your behalf. Only you can do that. It’s at once lonely but also liberating and, most importantly, it enables real connection with other souls who are also on a similar path to you.

Now you are ready for intimacy

how to love yourselfNow you are ready to invite someone into your intimate space. Be aware you are not insured against pain in this space. However, it is a space you have created and lovingly nurtured and now you know how to do it, you can keep returning to it to nurture and spring clean it when it needs your loving attention. This gives you the freedom to choose who to invite into intimate communion with you. And moreover, you have the freedom and discernment to be your full self with those intimates that are attracted to your beautiful soul.  Simples!

You and I know even though this path isn’t an easy one to tread, it is the path of the soul’s need for clarity and for higher expression. If you are stuck in the pain of fear of intimacy, loss, jealousy or grief of losing a loved one, you need to use your pain as a signpost to your path. You need to embrace your dark and hidden fear of loss and ask it to reveal itself to you. In the light, your fears will lose their hold and their power over you. In the light you will recognise the treasure that you have been hiding all these years. And in reality that is the real sadness. From your deepest place possible, you can determine never to do it again.

I can help you with this on my clear the fear workshops throughout 2015. Join me. I’d love to be able to help inspire you to your own awakening.